Yes, you read that headline right!
After Rangers lost their first league game after 13 straight wins its time for knee jerk reactions and to get Ashley on the Rangers board.
But the Ashley I’m talking about is not the one you are thinking of.
Not only because we have seen what a woman’s touch on the board -just not the auld bhoys network at the SPFL- of a football club can do with what Ann “The Budgenator” Budge on the Hearts board.
But because Linda seems to be the only living, breathing person to have got money out of Mike Ashley.
And what a load of money it was.
In 2003, the couple divorced. Agreeing one of the biggest settlements in British legal history, with Ashley reportedly handing over the family home, property and assets with a total worth of £50m.
Linda, a Swedish-born economics graduate, -Coincidentally the same as Izabella Andersson the lady who appeared on Craig Whytes arms in the early days of his Ibrox tenure- is now a property developer, she has stakes in several small businesses, including Watford-based Current Design. She later found new romance with Simon Brodin, six years her junior and the managing director of a family textile company.
If we must have to keep or have an Ashley presence at Ibrox I would go for his ex wife Linda.
Funnily enough I was watching Back to the Future Part II on the recent back to the future day on the 21st of October and was suddenly reminded me of Mike Ashley.
For those of you don’t know back to the future day comes from the Robert Zemeckis film Back to the Future Part II. “Doc” Brown and Marty McFly travel from 1985 in a flying DeLorean time machine to the future of October 21, 2015 to save his Grandson from uber bully cunting arsehole Biff Tannen Grandson.
During the mission Marty purchases the Grays Sports Almanac, a book detailing the results of major sporting events from 1950 to 2000. Doc discovers it and warns Marty about attempting to profit from cheating underhand ways, but before Doc can adequately dispose of it, Biff steals the time machine and uses it to travel back to 1955 and give the almanac to his younger self to get rich betting, then returns to 2015.
The 1985 to which Marty and the Doc return to -unaware of Biff’s actions 1n 1955- has changed dramatically: Biff has become wealthy and corrupt, and has changed Hill Valley into a chaotic dystopia. An utter shite hole run for one mans
Well see that Chatoic dystopia shitehole that Hill Valley turned into? Thats been the way Rangers have been run over the last years.
That version of 1985 that see’s Biff Tannen be the totalitarian ruler in a dystopian world is my idea of a football club that Mike Ashley gets his claws into!
Everything going go to pot, chaos, loyal servants of the club getting shafted, Rangers fans pals for life fighting with each other as long as Chubby Ashleys nose is in the trough ans its full to the brim!
I believe if you want to get an idea of the business model applied at Ibrox over the last few years you could do no better than watch the scene just after the “Funny how? I’m a fucking clown I’m here to amuse you?” scene in Martin Scorsese masterpiece Goodfellas
We all know it so if you allow me to paraphrase.
But now the guy has to come up with Ashleys money everyweek, no matter what.
FUCK YOU! PAY ME!
Oh, None of your fans are buying the Rangers kit because virtually none of money goes directly to the club?
FUCK YOU! PAY ME!
Oh, I loaned you 5 players at a 1k a week each and 4 of them will never meanifully play because they are injured?
FUCK YOU! PAY ME!
Oh, you got promoted to the Scottish Premiership?
FUCK YOU! PAY ME 500k!
Also Ashley could do anything especially run up bills on the joints credit. Why Not? Nobody is gonna pay for it anyway.
As soon as the deliveries are made by the sports direct lorries in the front door you move the stuff out onto the shop floor at the Rangers megastore and sell it at a discount.
You take a brand new £50 Rangers strip and you sell it for £35.
It dosnt matter its all profit.
And finally when there nothing left and you cant borrow another buck from the bank or buy from a small time creditor because they dont trust you you BUST THE JOINT OUT………………….
but that’s where the film come to abrupt in regards to Rangers thanks to Dave King and company at the March EGM.
Maybe hats what Dave King was hinting at when he accused Ashley of running Sports Direct like a family business, rather than a blue chip plc, and insists he will hold them accountable on behalf of Rangers fans.
The Family being more Corleone than Waltons that is!
Speaking of Dave King let me be clear this isnt a cheer leading piece for Dave King lets just get that straight from the start.
The day I start cheer leading directors is the day I will give up watching football. I think thats the same with the vast Majority of Rangers fans.
We all remember the staged managed entrance of Craig Whyte walking down Edminston Drive and who got that interview? who got that scoop? None other than that friend of Rangers and part of the Celtic Football Club Dynasty Chris Mclauchlan.
Maybe that should have been a warning sign.
Dave King has promised and said a lot and I will be looking at that in an upcoming blog but since he and his group of men have taken over at Ibrox its been night and day, a breath of fresh air from the dark days not so long ago.
Now before you start commenting calling me sexist for admiring the female form at the start of this blog I will qualify it Big Mikes got a lovely set of diddies too.
Lets hope -if Mike Ashley has been stupid or greedy enough to have conspired or be involved with the cretins that are already up on fraud charges regarding Rangers- Big Rab, and his pals Shuggie and Duggie will get a chance to motorboat those mother fuckers in the showers of Bar-L.